Detroit vs. Miami, the Sequel: "GOODBYE HEAT"

Summary: Well, well, well, it's that time of the year again, with the NBA Playoffs for the Eastern Conference Finals. It's all about matchups, NOT only ON but also OFF the court.

Well, well, well, it's that time of the year again, with the NBA Playoffs for the Eastern Conference Finals. It's all about matchups, NOT only ON but also OFF the court. Here are the matchups: Detroit vs. Miami, the Sequel: "GOODBYE HEAT" WEATHER: NO Beach vs. South Beach. Advantage: Miami MUSIC: Madonna vs. Gloria Estefan. The "Queen of Pop" against the conga. Advantage: Detroit BEST SONG ABOUT CITY: Kiss's "Detroit Rock City" vs. Will Smith's "Miami." The Fresh Prince has as much "street credibility" as the Backstreet Boys. Besides, Gene Simmons has slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain. Advantage: Detroit RAPPER: Eminem vs. Pitbull. I don't care for Eminem, but to paraphrase Stuttering John on Pitbull: "WHO are you and what do you do that makes you famous???" Advantage: Detroit RESTAURANT: Carl's Chop House vs. Joe's Stone Crab. Carl's is good, but Joe's is the BEST. Advantage: Miami WRESTLER: Rob Van Dam vs. "The ROCK." The Rock is retired from the ring, but my good friend, "Mr. Pay-Per-View"/"The Whole F---en. Show" RVD, is the greatest athlete in wrestling. Don't believe me? Ask Rasheed Wallace. Advantage: Detroit COLLEGE FOOTBALL PROGRAMS: U of M. vs. THE "U." In the last 25 years, Michigan has won a single National Championship and produced the Most Clutch Quarterback in the NFL, by the name of Tom Brady. However, the NFL should be known as the University of Miami Alumni Association, and THE "U." has won FIVE (count them: 5) National Championships (should be seven. SEE FLAWED 2000 BCS System and 2003 National Championship Fiesta Bowl for the "Worst Call in Sports History"). Advantage: Miami COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHES: Lloyd Carr vs. Larry Choker (Ooops, I meant Coker) This is College Football's version of Rich Kotite vs. Ray Handley. Advantage: PUSH FAMOUS ALUMNI: Selma Blair & Dr. Jack Kevorkian vs. Michael Irvin & The "ROCK". The "Playmaker" & The "ROCK" lay the Smackdown on all their Candy Asses. Advantage: Miami WOMEN: Initially, this seems like a monumental mismatch. In terms of quantity, it's a "NO CONTEST," but we're talking "quality" here. Miami/Ft. Lauderdale girls are FAKER than the silicone in their breasts. Motor City girls are HOT, but more importantly, they're REAL. Advantage: Detroit SPORTS FANS: This is a bigger mismatch than Microsoft vs. Enron. Detroit sports fans have suffered through years of futility with the Lions (still are) and Tigers, yet unconditionally support their teams through thick and thin. There were NO Heat fans before Wade and Shaq came to town